Chapter Six — Reasons That Call for a Conversation (1 of 3)

Written for a church that is safe. If yours is not, go to Chapter Two.

Some reasons are heavier. They are not matters of taste, and they should not be brushed aside.

But they are not yet reasons to leave. They are reasons to talk.

Love speaks to a brother before it speaks about him. Fear goes quiet, or it slams the door.

And the talking is not a formality. Scripture asks for it, and it often settles the matter.

A difference on a must. Sometimes a believer finds that his church teaches something that touches a conviction he holds as a must: about baptism, or the Lord's Supper, or who may lead, or how Scripture is read.

This is not boredom. But even here, talk before you decide.

You may have misunderstood what your church holds. Your church may hold it less tightly than you think.

Many churches teach a position and leave their members free to differ. The Denominational Mapping Instrument records, for every church it describes, whether a point is Required, Expected, Taught or Left to conscience. A church that teaches a view is not always a church that requires it.

Ask your pastor or priest directly. Is this something the church requires me to believe, or something it teaches? Could I hold my view here, and serve, and be honest about it?

A change in teaching. Sometimes the church moves, not you. A denomination changes a position. A new pastor brings a different emphasis. The church you joined is not quite the church you attend.

This is one of the most painful reasons, because you did not leave. The church did.

Even so, ask before you act. What changed, exactly? Was it a matter of faith or of practice? Who decided it, and how? Is there room for those who see it differently, on either side of the change?

Congregations that hold together through a change like this do it because people on both sides keep talking.

The first church faced a hard change: whether Gentile believers must keep the law of Moses. The apostles and elders did not settle it by parting ways. "Both the apostles and the elders met together to deliberate about this matter," and after much debate they wrote, "it seemed best to the Holy Spirit and to us" (Acts 15:6, 28, NET).

When the church itself divides. Sometimes the question is not whether you leave. It is whether your congregation leaves its denomination, or your denomination divides.

Then staying can mean two things: staying with the people and the building, or staying with the wider church. Both are a kind of staying.

Ask what vote is coming, who may take part, and what happens to those on the side that loses. Ask whether you can keep the friendships whichever way it goes.

People of good faith have chosen each way, and this book does not choose for you.

A pastor you cannot follow. Sometimes the problem is a person. A pastor is harsh, or distant, or proud, or simply a poor fit for you. Pastors are human, and some are not good at the work.

Scripture asks a great deal of believers toward their leaders: "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls and will give an account for their work" (Hebrews 13:17, NET).

It asks a great deal of leaders too: "Give a shepherd's care to God's flock among you ... And do not lord it over those entrusted to you, but be examples to the flock" (1 Peter 5:2–3, NET).

Both are true at once.

If your pastor's harshness is a pattern of fear, threats, shame or control, that is not a poor fit. It is abuse, and Chapter Two is for you. If you cannot tell which it is, tell someone outside and ask.

If it is not that, and you are sure it is not, go to him first. Tell him the truth, in private and in love, before you think of leaving.

Feeling unfed. "I'm not being fed" is one of the most common things people say when they leave. It deserves both respect and a question.

Respect, because shepherds are meant to feed the flock, and Ezekiel speaks hard words against shepherds who feed only themselves.

A question, because "fed" can mean many things.

It can mean the word is not being preached, or the sacrament is not being rightly given. For Catholic and Orthodox readers, and for many Lutherans and Anglicans, the Lord's table is where a believer is fed first, and a dull sermon does not make it less food.

It can mean the sermons are faithful but not stirring. It can mean the believer has grown and needs more than Sunday can give.

Ask yourself which.

If the word is not being preached, that is serious, and the next chapter takes it up.

If it is preached but not stirring, name what you are hungry for. It may be the word taught more deeply. It may be prayer, or worship, or a sense of God near. Traditions weigh these differently. Ask whether this church can give what you need, and whether you have asked.

If you have outgrown what Sunday gives, the first answer may not be to leave. It may be to feed others. Find a study. Read more. Ask your pastor for help.

The household. Some of the hardest conversations are not with the church at all. They are at home.

Spouses may not agree. One wants to stay and the other to go. One was raised in this church and the other married into it.

The conviction of this book: do not let a church come between you and your spouse. A marriage is a covenant made before God, and it is not the lesser thing in this weighing.

Talk long. Pray together. If you cannot agree, seek counsel from someone you both trust.

Do not win the argument and lose the marriage.

All of this is for a disagreement about a safe church. If your spouse wants to stay in a church that is harming you or your children, you may protect yourself and them without your spouse's agreement. If your spouse is the one harming you, this paragraph is not about you. Chapter Two is.

Children have a place in the conversation. A teenager who wants to leave the youth group may be lonely, or bullied, or doubting, or restless, and each needs a different answer. Or someone there may be harming him.

Ask gently, listen, and believe what you hear. If you learn your child has been harmed, stop reading this chapter and go to Chapter Two.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4, NET.)