Chapter Two — If You Are Being Harmed (2 of 2)

And naming the devil never blames you. You were not hunted because your faith was weak. The lion hunts the sheep. That is not the sheep's fault.

Then hear how it ends.

"For this purpose the Son of God was revealed: to destroy the works of the devil." (1 John 3:8, NET.)

"The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." (John 10:11, NET.)

"The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." (1 John 4:4, NET.)

And Peter's next words are for you: "the God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" (1 Peter 5:10, NET).

The prowler does not get the last word. The Shepherd does.

What this means for you. These are not differences to live with. They are not a season to wait out. They are not a test of your humility.

The conviction of this book: if you are being abused, or a child is, or leaders are hiding wrongdoing, you are not being asked to stay, and leaving is not a failure of faith.

Getting yourself and the people you love to safety is an act of faith. So is telling the truth. You decide when to tell it, and to whom. If a child is in danger, report now.

Here is what to do.

Tell someone you trust, outside the church. Not someone whose position depends on the person harming you. A friend in another church, a family member, a counselor, a doctor, a pastor in a different congregation. Abuse grows in secrecy, and the first thing that breaks it is one person outside who knows.

If the person harming you is the pastor, or the leaders protected him, do not take it to them first. If a crime was done, it goes to the police. If your church has a bishop or a wider body over the congregation, you may take it there too, and above that person if he is the problem.

If you are Catholic, you have doors that do not belong to the man who harmed you. The U.S. bishops' Charter for the Protection of Children and Young People, approved in 2002, requires every diocese to have a victim assistance coordinator for those abused as minors; many also help adults, so ask your diocese for that person's name. Since 2019 a universal Church law, Vos estis lux mundi, revised in 2023, has set out procedures for reporting sexual abuse, including of vulnerable adults, and its cover-up, including by bishops. If the harm was not sexual, you may still write to the bishop.

Two more things are true for you. The seal of confession binds the priest, never you: you may tell anyone what was said or done to you. And you do not have to sit before the one who harmed you in order to keep Sunday. Your Church's law says that a person "who assists at a Mass celebrated anywhere in a Catholic rite" satisfies the obligation (canon 1248). Go to Mass at another parish.

If the person harming you lives with you, leaving can be the most dangerous time. Make a safety plan first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, listed below, can help you make one.

If anyone is in danger, contact the authorities. This is not disloyalty to the church. Scripture calls the governing authority "God's servant for your well-being" (Romans 13:4, NET). A church that tells you otherwise is protecting itself, not you.

Write down what happened, with dates, while you remember it. Keep it where the person harming you cannot reach it. Keep texts, emails and messages; do not delete them. If someone may be checking your phone or computer, use one they cannot reach.

You do not need anyone's permission to leave a place where you are being harmed. Not a pastor's. Not an elder board's. Not a bishop's.

If a leader threatens you with spiritual consequences to keep you in an abusive situation, that threat is itself part of the pattern. That is not the same as a church's settled teaching about leaving it, taught openly and joined to no threat. But even settled teaching becomes part of the pattern when it is used to hold you in place.

Getting away from an abusive leader or congregation is not the same as leaving your tradition; a Catholic or Orthodox reader can go to another parish. And getting away from harm cannot cost you your place with God.

You may lose friends. That is a real grief. It is not your fault, and it is not God leaving you.

You do not have to face anyone alone. Matthew 18:15 says to go to a brother privately when he sins. It was never meant to send a victim alone into a room with an abuser, and no faithful reading of it requires that. When there is abuse, the first step is safety and an outside witness, not a private meeting.

If you are safe enough to keep reading, Chapter Eight says more about harm as a reason to leave, and Chapter Eleven is for the long road afterward.

If you are not, close the book. It will be here.

And if you read on, know this: Chapters Three through Six, Nine and Ten were written for churches that are safe. They are not about yours.