Of the Bagpipe, an Instrument of War

Now it came to pass, in the latter days, that a certain man did ask me, saying, Is the bagpipe an instrument of war? And I answered him and said, Verily, it is an instrument of many things, chiefly of regret; but yea, of war most of all. And I am not making this up.

The Testimony of the Court

For it is written in the chronicles of the Britons that after the battle of Culloden, in the year of our Lord seventeen hundred and forty-six, there was brought before the judges a piper, whose name was James Reid. And he pleaded before them, saying, Behold, I bore no sword, neither spear, neither musket, but only a bag with sticks in it. And the judges took counsel together, and they said, Every Highland regiment marcheth with a piper; therefore his pipes are an instrument of war.

So hath it been told, and some scholars dispute the particulars. I dispute nothing, for I have stood within a hundred cubits of a bagpipe, and I will believe anything. It went ill for the piper, and I do not make light of that, though I make light of nearly everything else.

Of the Anatomy of the Weapon

The bagpipe hath a bag, which in olden times was a sheep's stomach, and which is now a thing of leather or of plastic, for we are a gentler people, and the sheep are grateful. It hath three drones, which are long pipes that sound one note forever and ever, world without end, amen. And it hath a chanter, whereon the piper playeth the tune.

The piper breatheth not into the instrument, as a man breatheth into a trumpet and is done. Nay, he bloweth into the bag, and squeezeth the bag beneath his arm, that the sound may never cease, not even for a breath; for the bagpipe is the only instrument that must be inflated before use, like a life raft, or a pool toy, or an opinion.

Of the Doctrine of Terror

And the enemy, hearing it afar off, did say one to another, What is that noise? And another said, It is an animal in distress. And a third said, Nay, it is many animals in distress, and they are coming toward us. And they considered their options, and the option that seemed best unto them was to be elsewhere.

Yea, and it is told that the sound carrieth a mile and more, so that an army might be defeated by an event it could not see, which is also how most of us lose arguments on the Internet.

Of the Bravery of Pipers

And in the later wars the pipers went before the men, playing, over the top and into the face of the enemy; which is either the bravest thing in the history of music or the least sensible, and I believe it to be both. Let no man laugh at that part. Laugh at the rest.

The Conclusion

Is it a musical instrument? The scholars say yea. The neighbors say otherwise, and the neighbors have been heard from at length. Therefore, brethren, if thou hearest the pipes upon the hill, be of good cheer; or if thou canst not be of good cheer, be of far distance. Selah.

No sheep were harmed in the writing of this treatise. Several were consulted, and declined to comment.